...arrest this man, he talks in maths....he buzzes like a fridge, he's like a detuned radio...
I love that song, good way to start the morning...coffee, Radiohead...and watching my daughter squirm across the floor like a secret ops Navy seal.
There's a verse in that song that got me thinking..."I've given all I can, it's not enough..." If' you've given all you can, and it's not enough...then you haven't really given all you can, have you? Last year I felt like giving up on everything. I felt like I had nothing left to give, I was just kind of floating around like a glass bottle amidst the expansive surface of the sea. I was empty...well save the fact that I had a baby growing in side of me.
2009 held some of the darkest hours of my life. At 20 weeks pregnant, I found out that my love had been cheating on me through the entire pregnancy up to that point...and he was LIVING with her. Yeah...I was beyond devistated, I was traumatized. I felt as if my soul had been torn from my mortal body unwillingly. I can only describe the feeling as being like someone close to you has died...that same heart wrenching dread. What made it worse was that I had a tiny innocent life growing inside of me, and I couldn't protect her from feeling the horrible feelings that I was.
I lost all direction in my life...suddenly I was alone...I was broke, I couldn't afford food, let alone crucial things my daughter would need. I had no bed to sleep on, no room of my own. I cried myself to sleep every night, and I felt so horrible that some of the first emotions my developing daughter was feeling, were the worst I had felt in my entire existance. I felt unwanted, like some kind of alienated human, I was in self inflicted exile. Who would love me now? Where was I going to go? I had so much on my plate. How could this happen to me of all people. I am a giver, a lover, a friend.
Somewhere along the way, after I battled those dark demons, I found my way again. I saw light and I ran to it like anyone would if they were lost wandering the desert and spotted a water filled oasis. I felt so empowered...I realised that I had to be a strong woman to get through that, and I had to be a great role model for my daughter. I could do it on my own, and I would do it, surpassing any successes that I had achieved before. I remembered my strengths, my passions, my goals in life. I remembered the talents I had, and the odd hobbies that made me who I am.
So this is where I am at in life...chasing after the abandoned dreams I had before and not letting anything get in my way again. I hadn't given all that I could...so of course it was not enough.
xo
